This is what my Friday night entailed. Cutting millions of gingerbread people out of dough, then decorating them. There was a moment when I started making these cookies when I thought, yes! This is my new calling, I LOVE making cookies from cookie-cutters. Wow. And then my 5th batch came out of the oven and I looked at the lump of dough still sitting on my counter, and I started to feel the panic. I have been doing this for 3 hours, and I still have more to go, not to mention, I still have to decorate! By Midnight, I HATED gingerbread people, gingerbread children, gingerbread stars, and decorating. Who knew decorating was so hard?

How can something so wonderful become so frustrating? Hour 1 I was loving baking. I was loving gingerbread. I was even having fun. Hour 5, I wanted to dump icing on them, and scream. I started off listening to Amy Grant Christmas and ended with Elliot Smith, mourning the loss of joy. It will be years until I make Gingerbread again. Okay, maybe I'm being dramatic, but that is how I feel about the situation.

But now that I think about it, it unfortunately parallels my week fairly well, only opposite. My week started off hard, I mean maybe one of the harder weekends of my year, okay at least month. And it is finally picking up. I feel really loved... in numerous ways.

For example, I had a tough conversation on Monday. But let me start from the beginning. I was on the train heading to Evanston for my internship, attempting not to fall asleep. And I read an article for school, called "Opening Therapy to Conversations with a Personal God." And one of the questions the therapist asks her clients is : What is God like for you? If God was here right now, what would he be doing?


So on the train home I thought about it, and I asked myself the same question. If I saw God right now, what would He be doing? And I closed my eyes, and all I could see was God's arms, holding me like a baby. His arms in a U shape, me sinking into them.


I was almost home and saw this shape on the sidewalk made of snow:


When my ipod began to softly whisper,

In Christ alone
my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This cornerstone, this solid ground
firm through the fiercest drought and storm...
here in the love of Christ I stand.

My heart sank even more into the gracious arms of Christ. That moment, I knew, God was with me, right there, holding me as I sank.

Little did I know, later that night I would have a really hard conversation with a great friend. But on my way to that conversation, I remembered that moment, and I thought, whatever it is, whatever happens, I am His and He is mine... From life's first cry, till final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. And that was all I needed. I was completely prepared and held my His merciful arms.

Greatest Reward?

Music always gets me. It recaptures my soul in a new way, sometimes by the music, sometimes the vocals, and often the lyrics.

Today's song that is enormously on my heart is "Greatest Reward" from Shane and Shane's new CD.

I love You, Lord.
Jesus, my King.
I want to love You more.
My Great Reward.

I have this treasure in a jar of clay.
All your glory on display.
In a sinner who is saved by grace.
You have made me dwell in place.



I'm not sure what it is about his specific song, the way it is sung, or the way it stops right after the words jar of clay. Jar of clay. What does this mean? All I can think of is the 90s band I adored. But it is talking about US. We are the clay, our bodies are the jar. We have the Spirit of God dwelling inside of us. That's bananas. But is it enough?

I am often outstripped by the desires of this world. I want friends, I want success, I want a new item at American Apparel, I want to watch Gossip Girl, and I want love. Most of all I want love.

None of these things are bad. In fact, most of all, God also wants love.

So where does this leave me today, in this moment? Kierkegaard said "To love one's self in the right way, and to love one's neighbor are absolutely analogous concepts."

How can I uphold God's greatest command, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your strength, and Love your neighbor as yourself? My heart is distracted by all of my earthly, very tangible desires for this LOVE.

Last night I watched a movie, 500 days of summer. And this idea of Love was dismantled. A boy was in love with love. But the place he was searching for it was a disaster and full of heartache.

I think I have to look first to God for this love, and then, as I am satisfied by Him, I will be able to love myself, and to love others. Simple, right? I wish.

Do I look to God as my greatest reward? Or am I looking for earthly love to be my greatest reward?

Grace and Peace.

Love over knowledge?

"Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, if His grace is an ocean, then we're all sinking."

Oh how He loves us.

The new David Crowder song, He Loves Us.

This song reminds me of this common, or not so common, truth. I love this about music, how words put together in a new format, new context, with beautiful piano, drums, guitar, and a voice behind them can enlighten us to a new way of thinking, it can remind us of things know.

What do we know?

What is knowledge? How do we make meaning?

These are questions I have been struggling with as I write my thesis. The construction of meaning, and how we all come to believe, trust, hear, and know life in completely different ways.

From a deconstructionist point of view, knowledge is a by product of communal relationships rather than an individual possession or product. It is linguistically constructed by people in conversation, its development and transformation is a communal process, and the knower and knowledge are interdependent.

I think I believe this. Meaning is made by the context in which the word, or person, exists.

And then I got to thinking about knowledge. It's importance, for me as a therapist, as a person living day to day in this mysterious world... And I remembered... that Adam and Eve were instructed not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of good and evil. Gen 2:17. And next to that tree was the Tree of Life.

What is this juxtaposition?

I looked up knowledge... and here is what I found:

In the Psalms, wisdom and knowledge are sought after, and in Proverbs, wise men store up knowledge... and the discerning heart seeks knowledge.

And Solomon, in Ecclesiastes, says, the more knowledge, the more grief!

In the New Testament, knowledge is talked about in light of God... Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!-- Romans 11:33

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. 1 Cor. 8:1

If I understand all mysteries, and all knowledges, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love--I am nothing. 1 cor. 13...

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge... Eph. 3:18

What a sweet reminder. As I study so many theories, philosophies, I am brought back to the truth. That knowledge will pass away, but Love will never fail, Love surpasses knowledge.

So I conclude, knowledge is important, if sought through God, and is established in love. Otherwise, our knowledge will cause grief. For me, I must remember that love is what is important, especially as a therapist.

No thing outside of the text?

I have recently re-found the joy in art, in just making things. My hands can't get enough of it. All I want to do is make stuff. Journals, boxes, constructing things, painting things... I just want to create.

I'm writing my thesis using a deconstructionist theory, so I've been reading a lot of Derrida and very exciting literature, or lack there of. It's been an interesting process for me... being that I'm not naturally a philosophical person. One definition of deconstruction is: the disassembling and examining of taken-for-granted assumptions... wow. What a thought. How often do I walk through the day, allowing my assumptions to hinder the true design of life. Of people, of creation, of everyday objects that I consistently take for granted.

I love purity. I love elements being broken down into their simplest form, and then re-assembling those elements to form newness.

I think this is what we are supposed to daily, this is non-judgment at its core.

Derrida said, "There is nothing outside the text."

How often do we judge people by their outward appearance... based on the stunted knowledge we have formed through news, media, and our past. What if we approached everyone with the intention of there being nothing outside the person. No outside thoughts to influence how we digest them, just them. Just that person in front of us. Acceptance.

Create. The need to create. Love. The need to love. Acceptance. The need to be accepted.

Synchronicity

I appear downtown as I escalade up the stairs from the subway and  I am all of the sudden submerged in people and cars of all kinds rushing by, going where they need to go, and I'm early for school. My headphones are ringing an ephemeral sound only made by Radiohead and I look up at the buildings, and to my delight I see the American flag moving in slow motion to the song drumming in my ears. The wind had just enough strength to move the flags, but in a flow that was mesmerizing. I couldn't stop looking... 

And I thought... what is so special about this moment? And it was pure synchronization that I couldn't wrap my fingers around. The people were moving fast, but the flag was waving just my speed. The music was matching the salute of America, and it was beautiful. 

It was a moment of grace, a moment where nothing mattered, where the world around me was working together to a tune only known by me, and perhaps the Creator. 

Is that what it was like in Eden? Perfection, in sync with the ultimate Creator? Where wind, trees, light, sound and even humans were all working for the good of those around them? 

Is that what the new Kingdom will bring? 

The definition of synchronicity is the experience of two or more events that are casually unrelated  occurring together in a meaningful manner. That moment when I looked up to see the flags waving in a slow motion to the beat of my music was pure synchronicity... 

Grace and Peace 

80 degrees. Shade. Cool breeze. Iced soy latte. Band of Horses. Lemon scone. Chicago.



I stop for one minute, close my eyes, and feel immensely blessed by my current status. My only reaction is praise. The breeze that gently rushes over my bare legs, the sunlight that just misses my eyes, the soft music in my ears as buses and bikers sweep by. Is this a reality? Thank you God for a small moment of stillness, for speaking gently into my heart and allowing me to know you are here.

I don't have moments like this very often. But lately I have been filled with peace. My heart has all of the sudden slowed down, which seems ironic because on the outside my life is busier than it has been in a while. I had a month off of school and work, and during that time I was restless. I wasn't taking time for myself, and I wasn't spending time with God. My quiet times were lost due to my own disregard of their importance. I got caught up in myself, thought that I could do it on my own... that I didn't need to have a quiet time in the morning. But looking back, I was restless. Now that I am back in a routine, waking up with a purpose, and spending time on myself and with God, I feel overcome with peace. I am not worried about getting everything I need to done, I'm not concerned with anyone else (be that a good or bad thing, right?)

So why is it so important to spend time on ourselves? Our society promotes individualism and doing things on your own, but does it encourage us to take time just to be us? To journal? To ask ourselves hard questions and challenge ourselves? I'm not sure that it does. It promotes a "I do what I want" kind of mentality, but not one that seeks out our own goodness. Maybe it does and I just ignore myself because of fear of what might come out. Might I discover something about myself that I do not like? Probably. But if I discover it now, I can work on it... which might suck and be hard, but I think it is worth it.

So I've been living alone this past week. It's crazy how much I don't like to be alone, but I'm learning to be okay with it. It has been really good for me to only be with me. Though I do get sick of myself at moments...

That's all for now.

...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.... Philippians 4:6-7.


grace and peace,
rachel

Out of touch

Its been 1 month and 3 weeks since I have had the internet at my house. At first I thought it was good for me that I don't have the internet, more time to read, call people I am away from, spend more quality time with people in general... I was excited. Nearing the 2 month mark, I have lost a phone so I don't call people ( no phone numbers), I have conquered 2 chapters in a new book, and have spent more time with kourtney and khloe kardashian than any of my friends. Okay so maybe I'm exaggerating about the lardashians... Its really mostly been Kim...anyways... I had all of these hopes of being more productive, being more in touch with the real world rather than the world of media. But alas, one vice has been replaced with another...

I have August off from school and work, and I have become lazier than usual... Finding it hard to even conquer my daily crossword. When I am out of a routine, I find it hard to do the smallest things. It is a testament that we were made to create. Whether that means working, taking care of a family, painting or building....we need to be making. We need a sense of purpose or else all other things fly out the door. If I do not have a plan for the day... Or an intention of accomplishing something--I am likely not going to do anything. ( which definitely has its importance as well... don't get me wrong!) God has created us to create, to be purposeful and help Him bring His kingdom down to earth! When I am creating ( for me it is painting alone or with people) I feel joy. Joy in knowing that I am teaming with our ultimate Creator to help his kingdom come, his will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 

So tomorrow I will start packing, it will be my goal to get one room completely boxed up and ready to hit up my new neighborhood, wicker park. And maybe I will paint, but most of all I will spend quality time with people coming in town, my friends here, and enjoy my last week of living with my best friend in our 2020 apartment.

Godspeed.

I <3 N, pt. 1

I love my brother's newest hobby, photography. I was in New York City all week for his graduation from Columbia! (I felt so proud of him during the Architecture commencement that I leaked a few tears!)

It was a week full of excitement, joy, pondering, and hope. My parents and grandparents were there for the festivities for the first half of the week, and I stayed through the weekend. It was a such a sweet time for my brother and I to re-connect... and we do that best by taking pictures.

So for the next week or so I'll be re-documenting the trip through Barrett's lens.

Day 1: I decided for my trip to the big city I would have a look. You see, my mother always has a look. Right now it is the equestrian look: Spandex pants, ruffled shirt buttoned up to the collar, gothic boots, fingerless gloves, and a blazer. So I decided I, also, should have a look. I went for the upper-east sider meets hipster look: a blazer my Sitty (grandmother) gave to me over Christmas break. It's a Tommy Hilfinger, totally has shoulder pads, and I'm thinking it is from the early 90's.
Tangent: I decided to ask Sitty when she got this killer blazer, that happens to fit me perfectly, "When did you get this, like late 80's, early 90's?"
"Oh no honey, it's not that old at all, I got it at some outlet mall a couple of years ago and just have never worn it."

My head dropped and my heart broke. "You mean, it's from the new millineum?!"
"Oh yeah, it's not old at all!" Sitty verified unknowing that I actually wanted it to be from the 90's. And so, my lesson was learned, don't ask questions unless you are prepared for the truth.

Back to my look: blazer, sleeves rolled up only a little, wayfarers in multiple colors, and anything else. One day I wore my look with jeans, one day with jorts, and then with yellow jeans. It's versatile and fun. However, I am officially sick of the blazer after this trip. I'm not sure how my mom does it... she is so content with no change. She will wear the same thing 5 days in a row because she knows it looks good and she likes it. She will of course change accessories, but the overall suit is the same. She is quite the creature of habit. I'm different. I like to be able to wear many hats. One day I'm a preppy girl from SMU, one day I'm a hipster from Brooklyn, the next I am rafter from Durango, and that night I'm an artist at my opening.

Maybe I'm going through an identity crisis, maybe I'm just a poser. But I think I'm okay with either...

Saturday

I woke up this morning, cooked Julie and I breakfast: scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, and OJ, and Julie left for work, and there I sat on the couch, for about 2 hours. I watched the food network, I cleaned out my email, I added things to do on my iCal, and finally I begrudgingly showered.

I went to work, at a support club for anyone impacted by cancer, and talked to three new people to the club. They were all so different. One, a 48 year old man who loved the f-bomb. Next, a woman who just moved here from Nigeria, her English is pretty good, but when I asked her personal questions she laughed and looked at me as if to say, " I know what you're asking and I'm not going to answer that question." And finally, a woman in her 60s who simply wants to do some yoga. 3 very different people, 3 very great conversations.

Then I came home, made iced coffee, watched the Mavericks blow it, and finished writing my last paper of the semester: Art, Faith, and Humanity. *More on that to come.

I am currently still sitting on my couch, having talked very little all day except for when I was at work, and I'm so happy. Happy to not have to talk. Happy to not be out. Happy to be on the couch with my roommate who feels the exact same way.

Sometimes life wears on me, and I just need to be. Not talk, not perform, but simply be.

That is what Saturday's are good for, right?

Cathedral of the Church of St. John the Divine

Cathedral of the Church of St. John the Divine, originally uploaded by barrettbw.

I love looking at my brother's flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/barrettbrown/. I can tell what he is walking past, what catches his eye, what triggers his passions. I get a little piece of his world here in Chicago. He has a crazy eye for photography... I want to paint everything he posts.

This particular photo is daunting. I once read that we worship what our tallest buildings signify. Remember when churches were the tallest? Now it's Sears, I mean Willis, Tower. As Easter and Passover are among us... let's ponder:

Who or what do you worship?

The Despised One.

call me
roach and presumptuous
nightmare on your white pillow
your itch to destroy
the indestructible
part of yourself.

audre lorde

I read this today in an article about oppression for class. She discussed her desire to be known and understood by others, for people to understand their own racism and do something about it. She was a half-Hispanic lesbian. Because she looked much more white than brown, she had to claim her own fears and insecurities with her "brown side."

Anyways, I couldn't help but think about Jesus being called The despised One, the One abhorred by the nations. (Is. 49:7) And his life here on earth, For He will be handed over to the Gentiles, and will be mocked and mistreated and spit upon, and after they have scourged Him, they will kill Him; and the third day He will rise again. (Luke 18:32-33)

God knows oppression. He identifies with those who are scoffed at. He came to save them, to know their grief, and to love them. Lord help me to see my own affliction upon the oppressed. Help me to love the widow and the orphan as you do. Open my heart to love like you.

Righteousness like a river.

Yes it's snowing outside, but I'm ready for Spring damn it. I think the color change is something I needed... it's a new season physically and emotionally for me I think. As of this morning. Let me tell you why.

You ever read something and it just hits you, life is turned right side up, and you're filled with awe? I do. All of the time. [AKA this color/new season thing might not stick.] But here it is for today:

Thus says the Lord, Your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go.
If only you had paid attention to My Commandments!
Then your well-being would have been like a river, and your righteousness like waves of the sea." Isaiah 48:17-18

I can't get enough...


I want to shout it out, write it on everything I see, meditate on it all day long. I get it. For the hundredth time in my life, I get it. God wants us to profit. He wants our well-being to be like a river and our righteousness like the waves of the sea. He says... obey My commands for that reason. Not because I don't want you to have fun or because I want to control you and bind you up and make you even more an alien in the world. Quite the contrary... He wants us to be free to live an excellent life. He says, pay attention! My ways are better than yours... because I see the big picture.

It's not about being perfect, and following a set of rules... it's about living. L I V I N. (Little Dazed and Confused quote for you.) God has already saved us... His forgiveness and grace has covered our past, present and future sins already. So now He wants us to live in Him so our "name will never be cut off or destroyed from His presence." vs. 19

Guh. Drink deeply of this truth. It is a freeing and beautiful thing to be a child of God. (I might have just sounded like Beth Moore or Kay Arthur, but I'm over it.)

cheers.

Sometimes we need a God with skin.

I love friendships. I love friends that you don't expect and that you know are straight from God.

I am not great at sharing my feelings, I actually hate feeling vulnerable unless I know that I am in a safe place. Recently I found myself sharing deep pressures of my heart in the car with a new friend.
I dropped her off and one word came to mind, shit. I had said too much, was I too vulnerable?

I got home to open up my email and in my inbox was a message. Subject: Rachel!
It was from my new friend. She sent me the most encouraging letter, sharing her similar struggles. It was so good to hear that I am not alone in my crazy thoughts. That's why God calls us into fellowship with people. This is why He wants us to pray together, for each other. We need other people to know our hearts.

Isn't it great when true honesty and humility enters into a friendship?

At the end of the email, I felt grace pour down from heaven and God tell me how much He loves me, how great He thinks I am, and how it is not because of anything I have done or not done.

He loves me. My new friend was a "God with skin" as my Mom calls them. She encouraged and loved me as God does, and for that I am ever-grateful.

Grace?

Today I skipped church. Yep. And I don't even have a lot of homework.

I had a slight breakdown this morning. I woke up and began to read for one of my classes and was bombarded by feelings of guilt. I had an overwhelming sense of failure for some reason. And I had to process it. I had to journal or make art or do something to figure out this impending disaster my soul was about to cave into.

I have a problem. A typical "Christian" problem... I want to do everything right. I don't want to let people down, especially God. I thought this was a common phenomenon until I asked two good friends and they said they didn't feel bad when they didn't please someone or when they did what they wanted to do. What? How freeing that must be!

I want to please my supervisor at my internship, and I want to do everything right.
I want to do anything and everything I can with my friends. I never want to let a friend down.
I want to please my parents, I never want to disappoint them.
I want to please God.

And if I don't.... am I afraid I am going to lose their love? If I miss a party or a potluck dinner?

What, do I all of the sudden believe in Karma!?! That by doing good, good will be done to me in return? When did I lose my hope in grace? I have forgotten that God's love is not conditional. He does not love me more when I go to church, or when I make all of the right decisions in a day. His love for me is constant no matter what I do. This is so hard to believe when our worlds idea of love is conditional. We believe that if someone hurts me, I am going to stay away from them and not get hurt again... God does not work like that. Thankfully.

So tonight, I skipped church. I needed to rebel. I needed to trust that I did not have to go to be in God's favor. I do not earn God's love. He loves me just because. And I was really full from the Persian food I had for lunch. Mmmm.

God grant me the mercy to walk in your grace daily... that the only approval I need is not of others, but of You.

Dreaming of Revelry...

Its been a sweet, lazy couple of weeks. The ones where you feel exhausted because you decided to wake up at 10 instead of 11, when you are too tired to go work out, and accomplishing one thing of importance all day is huge. I've been loving it too much. I have a new favorite word because of it.

Revelry.

Defined as merrymaking.

Awesome.

So Monday comes, and I actually have something to do, Bible study at church. So I decide since I'm leaving the house, I might as well go work out. I bundle up and walk outside to see my car covered and surrounded by snow and ice. *I have a small sedan. No 4 wheel drive, nothing.

So I am hopeful, just kick out the snow from beneath the tires, turn on that defroster and get movin'! Well, after about 1o minutes of not movin', my neighbor Steve pulled up. He's the neighbor who always talks your ear off when you're late... Steve shouts at me, "You have front wheel drive on that?!"
"Nope Steve, I'm hoping for some major horse power to pull me through."
"Well from my past experience, you're not getting out of there! You're in pretty deep."

Okay, so Steve has only lived here for over 50 years, he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. I was about to make progress, my car was about to move an inch. Then Juliana, my roommate pulls up. "Rach, don't think you're going to make it."
"Really, does it look that bad?!"
"Yep, you're completely surrounded by snow."
"Okay, I'll be in soon."

I felt defeated and pleased at the fact of skipping a work out and bible study, both of which I was not in the mood for. So I sat there, closed my eyes, and said "Lord, if you really want me to go tonight, you better pull my car outta here."

I tried a couple more times, and what do you know, my car literally zoomed over the snow. Juliana was watching. I was so ecstatic I jumped out of the car and yelled to her, "Did you see that!?!"

Okay, fine, God, I'm going to Bible Study. Fine. But thanks for the push in my car!

So I went, and it was probably the best one I've been to so far. And it was convieniently relevant. She encouraged us to memorize a verse I had started memorizing on my own in December and gave up on (for whatever reason..).

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."
Isaiah 26:3

My crazy mind keeps me from really delighting in God, because it is always consumed with numerous false realities. Thinking about who I am going to marry, imagining scenarios of what I saw on TV that night, making up fights and resolving them... weird fake stuff. Often I can't fall asleep because of it, or my mood is radically shifted, all because of one thought. God promises us, He will keep us in perfect peace.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast.... one version says, "whose mind is stayed on You."

Just a nice reminder that I need to continue to guard my thoughts, let them be full of gratitude, surrender them and forget about the worries that tame us daily. So thanks God. Thanks for making me go to Bible Study. Cheers.

44

Currently watching the Inauguration, and just got my first glimpse of Obama. I can't help but wonder what he is thinking, feeling. He is getting ready to take our country into his hands, and our country is a mess!

As he walks down the steps, he has a curious smile on his face, one not to show too much elation and just enough poise. The entire mall is going nuts, record amounts of people cover the strip leading up to the white house.

Rick Warren prayed and the whole world heard him pray to our God and Father in Heaven. Yaweh, Jesus, Immanuel--God with us. One thing that Warren said stuck with me, " When we think that our prosperity is ours alone, forgive us."

I pray that as Obama walks up to the plate, with God's grace upon him, he will humbly seek the good of our country, of our world, and of God's creation. That Obama will not let the enemy of pride overcome him, but that God will protect him and be incredibly close and audible.


Let all those who love justice and love mercy say AMEN.