Sometimes we need a God with skin.

I love friendships. I love friends that you don't expect and that you know are straight from God.

I am not great at sharing my feelings, I actually hate feeling vulnerable unless I know that I am in a safe place. Recently I found myself sharing deep pressures of my heart in the car with a new friend.
I dropped her off and one word came to mind, shit. I had said too much, was I too vulnerable?

I got home to open up my email and in my inbox was a message. Subject: Rachel!
It was from my new friend. She sent me the most encouraging letter, sharing her similar struggles. It was so good to hear that I am not alone in my crazy thoughts. That's why God calls us into fellowship with people. This is why He wants us to pray together, for each other. We need other people to know our hearts.

Isn't it great when true honesty and humility enters into a friendship?

At the end of the email, I felt grace pour down from heaven and God tell me how much He loves me, how great He thinks I am, and how it is not because of anything I have done or not done.

He loves me. My new friend was a "God with skin" as my Mom calls them. She encouraged and loved me as God does, and for that I am ever-grateful.

Grace?

Today I skipped church. Yep. And I don't even have a lot of homework.

I had a slight breakdown this morning. I woke up and began to read for one of my classes and was bombarded by feelings of guilt. I had an overwhelming sense of failure for some reason. And I had to process it. I had to journal or make art or do something to figure out this impending disaster my soul was about to cave into.

I have a problem. A typical "Christian" problem... I want to do everything right. I don't want to let people down, especially God. I thought this was a common phenomenon until I asked two good friends and they said they didn't feel bad when they didn't please someone or when they did what they wanted to do. What? How freeing that must be!

I want to please my supervisor at my internship, and I want to do everything right.
I want to do anything and everything I can with my friends. I never want to let a friend down.
I want to please my parents, I never want to disappoint them.
I want to please God.

And if I don't.... am I afraid I am going to lose their love? If I miss a party or a potluck dinner?

What, do I all of the sudden believe in Karma!?! That by doing good, good will be done to me in return? When did I lose my hope in grace? I have forgotten that God's love is not conditional. He does not love me more when I go to church, or when I make all of the right decisions in a day. His love for me is constant no matter what I do. This is so hard to believe when our worlds idea of love is conditional. We believe that if someone hurts me, I am going to stay away from them and not get hurt again... God does not work like that. Thankfully.

So tonight, I skipped church. I needed to rebel. I needed to trust that I did not have to go to be in God's favor. I do not earn God's love. He loves me just because. And I was really full from the Persian food I had for lunch. Mmmm.

God grant me the mercy to walk in your grace daily... that the only approval I need is not of others, but of You.