Grace?

Today I skipped church. Yep. And I don't even have a lot of homework.

I had a slight breakdown this morning. I woke up and began to read for one of my classes and was bombarded by feelings of guilt. I had an overwhelming sense of failure for some reason. And I had to process it. I had to journal or make art or do something to figure out this impending disaster my soul was about to cave into.

I have a problem. A typical "Christian" problem... I want to do everything right. I don't want to let people down, especially God. I thought this was a common phenomenon until I asked two good friends and they said they didn't feel bad when they didn't please someone or when they did what they wanted to do. What? How freeing that must be!

I want to please my supervisor at my internship, and I want to do everything right.
I want to do anything and everything I can with my friends. I never want to let a friend down.
I want to please my parents, I never want to disappoint them.
I want to please God.

And if I don't.... am I afraid I am going to lose their love? If I miss a party or a potluck dinner?

What, do I all of the sudden believe in Karma!?! That by doing good, good will be done to me in return? When did I lose my hope in grace? I have forgotten that God's love is not conditional. He does not love me more when I go to church, or when I make all of the right decisions in a day. His love for me is constant no matter what I do. This is so hard to believe when our worlds idea of love is conditional. We believe that if someone hurts me, I am going to stay away from them and not get hurt again... God does not work like that. Thankfully.

So tonight, I skipped church. I needed to rebel. I needed to trust that I did not have to go to be in God's favor. I do not earn God's love. He loves me just because. And I was really full from the Persian food I had for lunch. Mmmm.

God grant me the mercy to walk in your grace daily... that the only approval I need is not of others, but of You.