A miserable life for me?

"I delight to do Your will, O my God; Your law is within my heart."

As I wrote this verse from Psalm 40 in my journal this morning, my heart cries, YES! Lord, I DO delight do your will! More like I want to delight to do your will, that sounds so good! And at the same time the other side of my heart cries out all of the fears if I follow-- fears? Yes.. unrealistic fears that consume me, that hinder me from pursuing God's will.

If I do God's will for my life I am going to end up in the Sahara desert sharing the gospel with camels and with a husband who never wants to settle down, for fear of being a member of the homeowners association. I will never see my family and loose all of my friends.

Or this one...

I will be the wife of a pastor, who has to dress a specific way, can no longer be seen in bars, and will have to go to church atleast every Sunday AND Wednesday.

Okay, so these are extreme, but these are fears of mine... and don't get me wrong, both of these things are good, they are just not for me. (So I think anyways... I could be very wrong then again! Change my heart if so Lord! )

So what, do I not think that the Lord is out for my best interest? Do I think God doesn't know me, that He who created me and knit me together is going to let me be miserable? Why do I believe that by doing God's will I am not going to be happy? Maybe I'm slightly afraid of being refined, since refining often comes from FIRE... but I shouldn't fear that if I follow God's will for my life I will end up unhappy.

I am comforted that my mom also had this same fear. Growing up she thought that if she was going to do God's will, she would end up a nun, husband-less and staunch. My mom's one true desire was to get married, why would God thwart this desire? He gives us our desires!!! My mom is living proof that God wants us to be happy, that he does not delight in joyless souls, but lives that are full of his goodness and unabounding love. She has a beautiful marriage and a life that is far from the nunery.

Our fears seem irrational when we spell them out, but in our heads they are as real as the truth sometimes. I have to continually remind myself that all I need is to "Delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart." Ps. 37:4 That as I do God's will, it will only make me know God's fullness more, and that will increase my joy, my happiness. Running from God's will will only make more anxious and unfulfilled because I am not doing what I was ultimately created for...

Lord, I know and trust you know me, I trust you will find the perfect man for me, that the plans you have for me will prosper me, and that you, my God, will be with me every step of the way.

world. wide. web.

Lifechurch.tv begins in
0 DAYS 0 HRS 3 MIN 13 SEC

WELCOME TO THE INTERNET CAMPUS---
"LOBBY EXPERIENCE"
"MIX AND MINGLE"
"LOBBY CHAT"

I even get to choose what band I want to worship to pre-sermon! Forget Podcasts... this is legit internet use at its finest.

And I wonder...Does this really do what a church is supposed to do? Does it encourage people to not go to church? I wonder what kind of people are on this thing... people like me, because I'm on it... caught in my own thought. Crap. I am a participant, aren't I? Ugh, now they have my email address, I knew I should have chosen the anonymous option.

Millions of these questions evade my mind as I begin my first World Wide Web Live Church Service.
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1..........

I'm officially in, with a note taking section, an option to see who is sitting in your row, and the ability to chat with others in the same situation. Cool, a chat room only different.

Now comes the live worship, I secretely wish I could skip forward to the sermon, but they will not let me and I'm all of the sudden glad they won't... and my heart is slowly broken.

I imagine people at a house church in China, woshipping together, learning together, in a place where they can't worship God wherever they want, or even in a church.
Do they even have the internet?
The simple things we take for granted, like going to church on Easter Sunday... and having access to the world via one small device that sits in most of our homes.

I am humbled and thankful for lifechurch.tv. If you haven't been... you should check it out, it's wild, and real, and hopefully shows the love of Jesus to those who normally wouldn't step foot on the grounds of church campus.

Apprently church is a big theme on my mind these days, which is curious since I haven't been in a while...

I need LOVE

I love going to the bookstore. I love walking around, watching people, reading magazines, and finding new books. I feel anonymous and peaceful, away from anyone who knows me (besides Shawn who works there... we went to high school together.)

Today, after a conversation with a friend over lunch, I was inspired to check out the new Christian books on political and social issues. Many are common these days with the election so close... As I was gazing, I was surprised to fumble upon many with the common theme, I like Jesus but not the Church.

One was titled, Lord Save Me From Your Followers. A few were about how my generation is appalled by the church. I must say, it is absolutely refreshing to hear these things. I flipped through a few of them, hitting on the issues regarding homosexuality, love, republicans vs. democrats, and how we have deviated from what Jesus did while on earth.

Haven't we though? Are we like Jesus? A lot of people like Jesus, a lot of people hate Christians. How did this happen?

I confess, I am judgmental and not loving to people who condemn Non-Christians, the "fundamentalist" Christians who are unwilling to love the drunks and sexually deviant, those who fail to listen to a Buddhist's story. I hate Christians who don't love people well, who don't follow Jesus' lead when giving us one solitary command, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and with all your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.

I type that and conviction reigns in my fingers. Why would it be okay for me to not love these Christians? I too am called to love...everyone! I should no more hate that sin in people, than the sin of gluttony in the guy next door. I should show the same grace I show to the prostitute as I do to the judgmental Christian. Lord teach me to love these people who are so hard for me to love. Help me to pour out the grace you have shown me onto those who desperately need to be re-touched by your love, that first love that reminds us of how little we deserve and much you have poured out anyways.

I know this problem is among my generation, we desperately want love. (History must repeat itself.. thanks to the Beatles.. all we need is love, dadadananaan.) We hate the church, because we feel like they are pushing away those who need Jesus the most. Agreed, but how should we approach this?

I urge us to think about what St. Augustine nobly said, "The church is a whore, but she's my mother." The Church has been unfaithful as the bride of Christ, but she is still your mother! The Church is the body of Christ, we are the church. We have to love other Christians, we have to love the church. Look at where she has gotten us! Where would we be without her? We would not know nearly as much about God as we do! We as Christians have been unfaithful to Christ, all of us... those of us who have little 'issues' and those of us who can't walk in somewhere without being pegged as a mess. We are all the unfaithful bride.

My goal, for myself, is to love the Church. To love and pour out grace as quickly on those Christians I love to hate as I do on every sinner I encounter in a bar...

RockstarVille

I’m sitting at the airport currently, typing on my computer, rockin’ my BOSE enormous headphones playing everything from a Rob Bell sermon to the new Lupe Fiasco CD. I can’t help but laugh at myself. With a copy of the newest Vanity Fair in my bag next to my Bible and a book about heaven, I wonder who I am. Where did I come from?

Uncoincidentally, this is a common theme in my life these days, questioning why I live in Chicago, how I got here, and how my life has so oddly been woven together perfectly.

My kids I teach were guessing where I am from the other day, they guessed about every state besides Oklahoma. (It’s not the most thought of state in Chicago by 7 year olds apparently… though I don’t know why.) One girl, Aja, looked at me,

“I know where you from! Rockstar-ville.”

Bingo. I went with it for a while, the kids so badly wanted it to be truth, something so exciting and so revealing. They wanted me to pop out with mad vocals and jump on top of the cafeteria tables and jam out. (Or maybe that's just me...) If I look cute at work, my kids constantly tell me I look like a rock-star. I found out recently that black people are pop stars, and white people are rock-stars… according to Aja that is.

I am so curious that Aja referenced my origins with my appearance. A white girl who dresses funny and has long hair… must be from Rockstar-ville.

But I’m from Oklahoma, and my origins come from somewhere much deeper than Sequoyah Middle School where Hip-Hop saved my life, college where Vanity Fair opened my eyes to the glamour of politics, and Kanakuk that taught me to read the Bible for myself.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phillipians 1:6

Sweet Sanctification. God began a good work in me the moment I trusted Him. And daily He is working inside of me, uniting all that I need for a hope and a future with Him.

So who knows where my material self has stemmed from, the vast world we live in contributes daily to my outerwear, but as for my internal make-up... there is one simple answer. God has created me. Not only has he created me perfectly, but he is completely sovereign over everything that I take in daily.

He has set me up for success.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I finally got into Grad School this week. I feel so blessed to have a God who has worked on me for years to prepare me for my future in Art Therapy, inside and out. God is sovereign, over the insides and outsides of our feeble bodies, working everything for the good of those who love Him.