A miserable life for me?

"I delight to do Your will, O my God; Your law is within my heart."

As I wrote this verse from Psalm 40 in my journal this morning, my heart cries, YES! Lord, I DO delight do your will! More like I want to delight to do your will, that sounds so good! And at the same time the other side of my heart cries out all of the fears if I follow-- fears? Yes.. unrealistic fears that consume me, that hinder me from pursuing God's will.

If I do God's will for my life I am going to end up in the Sahara desert sharing the gospel with camels and with a husband who never wants to settle down, for fear of being a member of the homeowners association. I will never see my family and loose all of my friends.

Or this one...

I will be the wife of a pastor, who has to dress a specific way, can no longer be seen in bars, and will have to go to church atleast every Sunday AND Wednesday.

Okay, so these are extreme, but these are fears of mine... and don't get me wrong, both of these things are good, they are just not for me. (So I think anyways... I could be very wrong then again! Change my heart if so Lord! )

So what, do I not think that the Lord is out for my best interest? Do I think God doesn't know me, that He who created me and knit me together is going to let me be miserable? Why do I believe that by doing God's will I am not going to be happy? Maybe I'm slightly afraid of being refined, since refining often comes from FIRE... but I shouldn't fear that if I follow God's will for my life I will end up unhappy.

I am comforted that my mom also had this same fear. Growing up she thought that if she was going to do God's will, she would end up a nun, husband-less and staunch. My mom's one true desire was to get married, why would God thwart this desire? He gives us our desires!!! My mom is living proof that God wants us to be happy, that he does not delight in joyless souls, but lives that are full of his goodness and unabounding love. She has a beautiful marriage and a life that is far from the nunery.

Our fears seem irrational when we spell them out, but in our heads they are as real as the truth sometimes. I have to continually remind myself that all I need is to "Delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart." Ps. 37:4 That as I do God's will, it will only make me know God's fullness more, and that will increase my joy, my happiness. Running from God's will will only make more anxious and unfulfilled because I am not doing what I was ultimately created for...

Lord, I know and trust you know me, I trust you will find the perfect man for me, that the plans you have for me will prosper me, and that you, my God, will be with me every step of the way.