Saturday

I woke up this morning, cooked Julie and I breakfast: scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, and OJ, and Julie left for work, and there I sat on the couch, for about 2 hours. I watched the food network, I cleaned out my email, I added things to do on my iCal, and finally I begrudgingly showered.

I went to work, at a support club for anyone impacted by cancer, and talked to three new people to the club. They were all so different. One, a 48 year old man who loved the f-bomb. Next, a woman who just moved here from Nigeria, her English is pretty good, but when I asked her personal questions she laughed and looked at me as if to say, " I know what you're asking and I'm not going to answer that question." And finally, a woman in her 60s who simply wants to do some yoga. 3 very different people, 3 very great conversations.

Then I came home, made iced coffee, watched the Mavericks blow it, and finished writing my last paper of the semester: Art, Faith, and Humanity. *More on that to come.

I am currently still sitting on my couch, having talked very little all day except for when I was at work, and I'm so happy. Happy to not have to talk. Happy to not be out. Happy to be on the couch with my roommate who feels the exact same way.

Sometimes life wears on me, and I just need to be. Not talk, not perform, but simply be.

That is what Saturday's are good for, right?

Cathedral of the Church of St. John the Divine

Cathedral of the Church of St. John the Divine, originally uploaded by barrettbw.

I love looking at my brother's flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/barrettbrown/. I can tell what he is walking past, what catches his eye, what triggers his passions. I get a little piece of his world here in Chicago. He has a crazy eye for photography... I want to paint everything he posts.

This particular photo is daunting. I once read that we worship what our tallest buildings signify. Remember when churches were the tallest? Now it's Sears, I mean Willis, Tower. As Easter and Passover are among us... let's ponder:

Who or what do you worship?

The Despised One.

call me
roach and presumptuous
nightmare on your white pillow
your itch to destroy
the indestructible
part of yourself.

audre lorde

I read this today in an article about oppression for class. She discussed her desire to be known and understood by others, for people to understand their own racism and do something about it. She was a half-Hispanic lesbian. Because she looked much more white than brown, she had to claim her own fears and insecurities with her "brown side."

Anyways, I couldn't help but think about Jesus being called The despised One, the One abhorred by the nations. (Is. 49:7) And his life here on earth, For He will be handed over to the Gentiles, and will be mocked and mistreated and spit upon, and after they have scourged Him, they will kill Him; and the third day He will rise again. (Luke 18:32-33)

God knows oppression. He identifies with those who are scoffed at. He came to save them, to know their grief, and to love them. Lord help me to see my own affliction upon the oppressed. Help me to love the widow and the orphan as you do. Open my heart to love like you.

Righteousness like a river.

Yes it's snowing outside, but I'm ready for Spring damn it. I think the color change is something I needed... it's a new season physically and emotionally for me I think. As of this morning. Let me tell you why.

You ever read something and it just hits you, life is turned right side up, and you're filled with awe? I do. All of the time. [AKA this color/new season thing might not stick.] But here it is for today:

Thus says the Lord, Your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go.
If only you had paid attention to My Commandments!
Then your well-being would have been like a river, and your righteousness like waves of the sea." Isaiah 48:17-18

I can't get enough...


I want to shout it out, write it on everything I see, meditate on it all day long. I get it. For the hundredth time in my life, I get it. God wants us to profit. He wants our well-being to be like a river and our righteousness like the waves of the sea. He says... obey My commands for that reason. Not because I don't want you to have fun or because I want to control you and bind you up and make you even more an alien in the world. Quite the contrary... He wants us to be free to live an excellent life. He says, pay attention! My ways are better than yours... because I see the big picture.

It's not about being perfect, and following a set of rules... it's about living. L I V I N. (Little Dazed and Confused quote for you.) God has already saved us... His forgiveness and grace has covered our past, present and future sins already. So now He wants us to live in Him so our "name will never be cut off or destroyed from His presence." vs. 19

Guh. Drink deeply of this truth. It is a freeing and beautiful thing to be a child of God. (I might have just sounded like Beth Moore or Kay Arthur, but I'm over it.)

cheers.

Sometimes we need a God with skin.

I love friendships. I love friends that you don't expect and that you know are straight from God.

I am not great at sharing my feelings, I actually hate feeling vulnerable unless I know that I am in a safe place. Recently I found myself sharing deep pressures of my heart in the car with a new friend.
I dropped her off and one word came to mind, shit. I had said too much, was I too vulnerable?

I got home to open up my email and in my inbox was a message. Subject: Rachel!
It was from my new friend. She sent me the most encouraging letter, sharing her similar struggles. It was so good to hear that I am not alone in my crazy thoughts. That's why God calls us into fellowship with people. This is why He wants us to pray together, for each other. We need other people to know our hearts.

Isn't it great when true honesty and humility enters into a friendship?

At the end of the email, I felt grace pour down from heaven and God tell me how much He loves me, how great He thinks I am, and how it is not because of anything I have done or not done.

He loves me. My new friend was a "God with skin" as my Mom calls them. She encouraged and loved me as God does, and for that I am ever-grateful.

Grace?

Today I skipped church. Yep. And I don't even have a lot of homework.

I had a slight breakdown this morning. I woke up and began to read for one of my classes and was bombarded by feelings of guilt. I had an overwhelming sense of failure for some reason. And I had to process it. I had to journal or make art or do something to figure out this impending disaster my soul was about to cave into.

I have a problem. A typical "Christian" problem... I want to do everything right. I don't want to let people down, especially God. I thought this was a common phenomenon until I asked two good friends and they said they didn't feel bad when they didn't please someone or when they did what they wanted to do. What? How freeing that must be!

I want to please my supervisor at my internship, and I want to do everything right.
I want to do anything and everything I can with my friends. I never want to let a friend down.
I want to please my parents, I never want to disappoint them.
I want to please God.

And if I don't.... am I afraid I am going to lose their love? If I miss a party or a potluck dinner?

What, do I all of the sudden believe in Karma!?! That by doing good, good will be done to me in return? When did I lose my hope in grace? I have forgotten that God's love is not conditional. He does not love me more when I go to church, or when I make all of the right decisions in a day. His love for me is constant no matter what I do. This is so hard to believe when our worlds idea of love is conditional. We believe that if someone hurts me, I am going to stay away from them and not get hurt again... God does not work like that. Thankfully.

So tonight, I skipped church. I needed to rebel. I needed to trust that I did not have to go to be in God's favor. I do not earn God's love. He loves me just because. And I was really full from the Persian food I had for lunch. Mmmm.

God grant me the mercy to walk in your grace daily... that the only approval I need is not of others, but of You.

Dreaming of Revelry...

Its been a sweet, lazy couple of weeks. The ones where you feel exhausted because you decided to wake up at 10 instead of 11, when you are too tired to go work out, and accomplishing one thing of importance all day is huge. I've been loving it too much. I have a new favorite word because of it.

Revelry.

Defined as merrymaking.

Awesome.

So Monday comes, and I actually have something to do, Bible study at church. So I decide since I'm leaving the house, I might as well go work out. I bundle up and walk outside to see my car covered and surrounded by snow and ice. *I have a small sedan. No 4 wheel drive, nothing.

So I am hopeful, just kick out the snow from beneath the tires, turn on that defroster and get movin'! Well, after about 1o minutes of not movin', my neighbor Steve pulled up. He's the neighbor who always talks your ear off when you're late... Steve shouts at me, "You have front wheel drive on that?!"
"Nope Steve, I'm hoping for some major horse power to pull me through."
"Well from my past experience, you're not getting out of there! You're in pretty deep."

Okay, so Steve has only lived here for over 50 years, he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. I was about to make progress, my car was about to move an inch. Then Juliana, my roommate pulls up. "Rach, don't think you're going to make it."
"Really, does it look that bad?!"
"Yep, you're completely surrounded by snow."
"Okay, I'll be in soon."

I felt defeated and pleased at the fact of skipping a work out and bible study, both of which I was not in the mood for. So I sat there, closed my eyes, and said "Lord, if you really want me to go tonight, you better pull my car outta here."

I tried a couple more times, and what do you know, my car literally zoomed over the snow. Juliana was watching. I was so ecstatic I jumped out of the car and yelled to her, "Did you see that!?!"

Okay, fine, God, I'm going to Bible Study. Fine. But thanks for the push in my car!

So I went, and it was probably the best one I've been to so far. And it was convieniently relevant. She encouraged us to memorize a verse I had started memorizing on my own in December and gave up on (for whatever reason..).

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."
Isaiah 26:3

My crazy mind keeps me from really delighting in God, because it is always consumed with numerous false realities. Thinking about who I am going to marry, imagining scenarios of what I saw on TV that night, making up fights and resolving them... weird fake stuff. Often I can't fall asleep because of it, or my mood is radically shifted, all because of one thought. God promises us, He will keep us in perfect peace.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast.... one version says, "whose mind is stayed on You."

Just a nice reminder that I need to continue to guard my thoughts, let them be full of gratitude, surrender them and forget about the worries that tame us daily. So thanks God. Thanks for making me go to Bible Study. Cheers.

44

Currently watching the Inauguration, and just got my first glimpse of Obama. I can't help but wonder what he is thinking, feeling. He is getting ready to take our country into his hands, and our country is a mess!

As he walks down the steps, he has a curious smile on his face, one not to show too much elation and just enough poise. The entire mall is going nuts, record amounts of people cover the strip leading up to the white house.

Rick Warren prayed and the whole world heard him pray to our God and Father in Heaven. Yaweh, Jesus, Immanuel--God with us. One thing that Warren said stuck with me, " When we think that our prosperity is ours alone, forgive us."

I pray that as Obama walks up to the plate, with God's grace upon him, he will humbly seek the good of our country, of our world, and of God's creation. That Obama will not let the enemy of pride overcome him, but that God will protect him and be incredibly close and audible.


Let all those who love justice and love mercy say AMEN.

Art is therapy.

I love it.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see...


On Monday, I asked my students what was happening "tomorrow."
" TUESDAY Miss Rachel! Duh!"
I probed them to find the answer that Tuesday was for voting, and when I asked what the voting was for, Terrance, 7 years old, replied...
" Barack Obama or the white guy!"

Hope. That my students who are 6 and 7 know who the President-elect is?
Hope. That my students have someone to look up to that is of the same color?
Hope. That our country will be unified once and for all?
Hope. That our God, who sits on His throne is completely in control though we cannot see Him.

I am sure that hope is worth pursuing and holding fast to, I am hopeful for our future--whatever that may look like.