Designer Shades, just to hide my face.

Cooler than me?

Likely.

In fact, I often laugh at myself when "coolness" gets in the way. Now I'm not saying I'm cool at all, quite the contrary. If I was cool, these thoughts would not cross my mind... I'm pretty sure cool people don't think about being cool?

Anyways, that happened to me today... I took form over function.

I knew I was going to get my annual Black Friday pedicure at the mall with my dad and brother. Usually I forget to wear appropriate clothing and always end up having to wear those disposable flip flops that break within 5 minutes of walking in them, then I have to either ruin my pedicure by putting my converse back on or walk around barefoot, and barefoot inevitably wins... which is usually awkward and decently embarrassing for both me and other people in the mall.

But not today, today would be different, I thought as I eyed my old Birkenstock sandals, I choose to think ahead. And so I slip on my skinny jeans, ready to seize the day, only to realize that these are the worst possible pants ever to wear when getting a pedicure. I would sit in the chair, attempt to pull up my pants to place my feet in the spa, and struggle to at least get them above my calf.  But ultimately, I decide I don't care. I choose to look cool, in my skinny jeans, and risking the highest satisfaction of my pedicure.

Form over Function.

Today, my rational side just couldn't take over. I'm afraid it's becoming all too habitual for me these days...

Commitment Issues.

"Commitment Issues." It's cliche. It's over-used. It's a cop-out. It's mine.

Today I was reading in My Upmost for His Highest [hey, every woman in my family has read it, it's a right to passage for me...] and it was about the story of Mary and Martha, when Jesus asks Martha:

Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes will never die. Do you believe this?

Martha answers: Yes! I do believe that you are THE Christ. 

Chambers goes on to say, To Believe is To Commit. 

I die. This always happens, I think to myself. 

You see, when God wants me to work on something, He is very obvious about it. I've been thinking a lot about commitment lately. I have a hard time committing to any kind of plans a week in advance; even as I type this, I cannot commit to plans for tonight, forget about committing to bigger things... Commitment Issues. I have decided to take a stand against this problem in my life, I'm taking baby steps. Someone asked me to see a concert a week ahead of time, and I said yes. What is my hesitation you ask? Well, my crazy self asks, what if I don't feel like going to the concert that night? What if something better comes along? Selfish. Period. I don't commit because I am selfish. [My best friend told me this the other day... not directly, but lovingly encouraged me to think about it.] 

To believe is to commit. 

Do I believe that Jesus is the Christ, that He is the resurrection and the life? If I believe this, am I committing to it? 

Commit: Entrust, practice. (NASB) 

Commit: To give in trust or charge, consign. 

: To pledge to an issue 

: To entrust 

: To consign to custody.

 (dictionary.com) 

The last one is my favorite. Do you act as though you are consigned to God's custody? Adopted in, as his child? Is that what true belief looks like? 

"And Jesus, crying out with a loud voice, said, 'Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.' Having said this, He breathed His last." 

Luke 23:46

Jesus was showing His absolute dependence on God the Father... he was committing to him. We are selfish people, we don't want to commit because we think something better might come along. Chambers says, "In particular belief I commit myself spiritually to Jesus Christ, and determine in that thing to be dominated by the Lord alone." 

Do you believe this? If we believe that Jesus is the Christ, that he is who he says he is... wouldn't we act much differently? It would not be hard to commit, because we would know that there is nothing better, no better option will spring up, He is it. If we believe, we will act as one who is Consigned to God's Custody, and that in that consignment there is life. 

Psalm 37 says: 

Trust in the Lord and do good; 

dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. 

Delight yourself in the Lord; 

and He will give you the desires of your heart. 

Commit your way to the Lord, 

trust in Him, and He will do it. 

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, 

and your judgment like the noonday." 

Commit your way to God, and he will do [it], give you the desires of your heart. He will be the one to bring forth your righteousness, not you, or anyone else. Commitment is scary, but if we believe something, truly believe, commitment becomes a natural step in love, and a fruitful and blessed thing. 

My hope is that by truly believing and committing to God, it will overflow in the rest of my life. I'll be committing to plans a month in advance, being the one making the plans, and who knows, maybe even committing to a long-term relationship... let's not push it. (Seriously though, let's get rid of these commitment issues. I refuse to be a cliche.) 

Lord, help my unbelief. 

grace and peace. 

               

How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered!

 How blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, 

and in whose spirit there is no deceit!

Psalm 32:1-2 

I read Running with Scissors, by Augusten Burroughs, a while back, and there is very little spiritual matter in this book, except something called "Bible Dipping." It is where you ask a question from the Bible, close your eyes, open it up, point your finger, open your eyes, and hope for a response straight from God. Seems like folly, yet I find it is probably more common than not. More likely I suppose than studying our own poop for unconscious evidence (which they also do in this book.) Let's be honest, we all love a good fortune. We even get it in cookies. 

So I didn't actually "Bible Dip" per say, but last night I was doing a little journaling, and I was heading who knows where as I opened my bible. And the first words I read were from Psalm 32, " I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.." These words always seem to catch my eye, so I stopped, and thought, okay, tell me which way to go, God. Let's see what you've got. So I read the Psalm from the beginning, which is above, and I realized a few things. 

1. God forgives our sins. 

2. Our sins are covered. 

3. Our sins are erased. 

3. really? Yes. The first two I've got down. (Mostly.) I can receive forgiveness, I believe in the unfathomable grace of God covering my sin. But erasure? This one is tough for me. I believe it, because I'm supposed to... but I do not live in a way that shows that I believe this. I am incapable of forgetting my sin. They knock on my shoulder daily... they try and sneak their way in again and again... but God erases them. The victory is already there... 

I wish I could live in this truth better. Oh me of little faith, God help me.  

Summer...

...time.

The long awaited date for graduation has arrived... I have received my Master's degree and fist pumped my way off the stage of the Pritzker Pavilion in Millineum Park. I will be honest, I never thought I would ever get a Master's as a child, I wonder why? 

So here I am, with all the time in the world. Making big decisions about moving to Dallas, away from Chicago, and looking for an art therapy job. 2 weeks ago I was freaking out... should I stay in Chicago, or move away, and if I move, should I go back to Dallas or Oklahoma, or try somewhere new with people I love, like Denver or New York?

I thought I would pray and then I would know the answer to this question. Turns out that kind of worked, but it wasn't until I really started seeking God and really knocking, that doors would begin to open for me. Preston told me a story one day when I was talking about my decision, it goes something like, but not even close to this:

There was a poor man who asked God everyday to win the lottery. He said all he needed was to win the lottery, and so he prayed and prayed to win.
Then one day, God appeared from the sky in a major bolt of thunder (or from a stone on the ground, or the sea?)... anyways, the man asked God, everyday I prayed and prayed to You to win the lottery, but you give me nothing, not even a penny.
And God said back to him, "Throw me a freakin' bone here and at least buy a lottery ticket."

Isn't it funny when weird stories really hit you!? This one did. I decided all I needed was to start buying tickets. (by the way, I love it when people encourage me through hilarious parables!) So I bought tickets all week, I emailed art therapists all over Dallas. I emailed people here in Chicago asking about jobs and even applied for one. I emailed an art therapist in Denver. I bought tickets.

Turns out, buying tickets helps you make decisions. All of the art therapists in Dallas emailed me back, and even forwarded my email to other art therapists in the city. And none of the Chicago jobs came through...

The whole week before I had been saying, I will just stay in Chicago for one year, and I will get my art therapy supervised hours, and I will be successful, and then I will move back to Oklahoma or Texas. (Maybe the "I will be successful" was only said in my head, but just being honest, I thought it... I'm the worst!)

... so my decision was becoming more and more clear, along with other major factors in my decision making, such as family and friends. Thursday I was 90% sure Dallas was the right decision for me.

I read James 4:13-16 :

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.


So I read that, and thought how weird, this sounds exactly like what I have been saying... Okay Lord, I'm starting to listen. That one was a bit obvious.!?

So my friend Stephanie comes in town...

... who also happens to live in Dallas...

And we go to a cubs game, and while I am there I get an email from an art therapist I had met with in the Dallas area, asking me for an interview. My answer was totally confirmed. Cool, huh? Weird, yes. 

So my week was challenging, but God was faithful. I have been memorizing Psalm 139, and verse 25says, I go before you and I follow you, I place my hand of blessing on your head.

God went before me, was with me while I made the decision to move, and followed me with the interview. Faithful. 

I wasn't planning on writing this to be honest. Sometimes I have a hard time committing. Sometimes I want to take my decision back. Come to think of it, my head is spinning as I write this right now... But then again, 2 days after the Cubs game, I read James 5:12, let your "yes" be yes. and your "no" be no.

Done and done. Hands clean, decision made. I'm not turning back. 

Amen. Grace and Peace.

Nighttime Prowl

... Okay, maybe that was a creepy title... but it's fitting, I promise. I don't know about you, but something about internet surfing at night is intriguing and hilarious. I look up the oddest things at night, searching craigslist for odd items that I think I need, like a typewriter. Or searching to see if the shirt I want is on sale yet... and pondering impossible questions that Patagonia always seems to pose... the night is very different internet surfing than daytime for me. Daytime I may check a few of my regular favorite blogs, maybe some news, but probably not, and the rest of the time it's business. (Hey sometimes business is checking facebook.)

So here is a gathering of tonight's findings:

... all the while listening to a range of music that seem only appropriate after nightfall, such as The xx.

Giraffes.

Giraffe's have the biggest heart out of any mammal. So, I made this image for a person who has a really big heart...

job?

I thought this was applicable...

Garden of Poppies

From my first solo exhibit! Thanks to everyone who stopped by!

Trust

Do you have those overwhelming moments where you just trust? I just simply looked out the window, as the rain pours down and I sit in this coffee shop, listening to beautiful music, and I became filled with joy and hope. It started in my stomach and poured into my arms as they type the finishing notes to my thesis, and up to my eyes, and then back in my stomach.

It's these moments, where there are no words to describe what it's like to know the Savior. To know that He has an ultimate plan that is inescapably better than mine, and to know that heaven, whatever that may look like, is going to be new. We will be new. Our hope and joy will feel like these split moments where we trust. 

grace and peace.

Firewood

Firewood. Grills. Summertime.

Is that why I am so drawn to this image? Summertime lingering in the near future... a great backyard and grill ready to be used... spring rain and overcast skies only to bring the green a new?

Or is it simply the stacking? The piling on of fresh cut wood to form a tower, with the city paused in the background, reminds me of information stacked and stacked until a clear picture is made.

My mind is currently being taken over by my thesis. Information continues to build until I can no longer add anymore logs... I am at the top of that pile, close to the peak, and close to being unable to add anymore logs.

Summertime. One month away and I will be in summertime, job searching and grilling to my hearts content.

Can't wait.